It’s not even noon and I’ve already blown through a third of this roll o’ Tums. Apparently the old wives tale about heartburn = hairy babies is true 82% of the time according to some study that some really bored doctors did, which leads me to believe I am incubating a monkey.

I had a Reese’s cup McFlurry last week and it knocked it out for like four hours, which was magical. If that is seriously the only thing that works for long stretches of time, I’m going to have to get a bag of those mini cups and a giant thing of vanilla ice cream and make my own. It’s a good thing I’m still at my pre-pregnancy weight.

Lesson learned though, regarding McFlurry consumption: Never post on twitter that you’ve just eaten a McFlurry unless you’re prepared to withstand Internet Rage and accusations of poisoning your fetus.