Things people don’t tell you about pregnancy

  • The unwanted advice? It starts immediately. You might find yourself in a cab with a man who won’t shut up about coffee, so you decide to tell that man, “I’m pregnant; I can’t drink coffee.” in order to shut him up. Then instead of shutting up, that man might spend the whole twenty minute ride giving you breastfeeding advice. Yeah. That’s a thing that can happen.
  • As a woman, you’ll receive zero credit for the conception from the outside world. He did everything. Honestly, you probably don’t even have to be there. The sperm will come shooting out of your partner’s penis and no matter where you are, it will find you. It may be flying and wearing a cape while doing this, and it’s probably fighting off bad guys and saving kittens along the way. No one really knows – it’s not well-documented.
  • Around 5 or 6 weeks, you might have crazy thoughts like, “MY NIPPLES ARE SORE! THIS IS AWESOME! Pregnancy symptoms mean I’m still pregnant! HOORAY FOR SORE NIPPLES!” You will probably be expecting those symptoms to go away though, perhaps during the fabled magical second trimester when people say you feel normal and not pregnant. Ha. HA! My nipples have been sore since October. On a particularly bad day, the blowing wind hitting my chest will make me wince. This is decidedly Not Awesome.
  • Your cat may unexpectedly start sniffing and purring at your nipples. Seriously.
  • You will sleep in the first trimester. All the time. All.the.time. You will sleep while your partner is driving you to the grocery store. You will nap at work. You will go to sleep on the couch at 7pm, wake up at 8pm, and be in bed asleep again by 8:30pm.
  • Maternity clothes? Awesome. No, really. Pants with panels are as comfortable as pajamas. The shirts go on sale lightning-fast and half of them don’t look maternity. I got a t-shirt for two dollars. TWO DOLLARS! I found a nice tunic for $5.50. I want to wear maternity clothes forever.
  • Orgasms in your sleep. In your sleep! Without even trying! Magic! This can also be slightly embarrassing, when your partner is awake before you and you don’t know if they knew what was going on. Awkward. But seriously, magic.
  • Less magical: waking up with carpal tunnel. If you don’t know that pregnancy carpal tunnel is a thing, you might wake up to find one arm numb and/or tingling and you might think “holy fuck, my fetus gave me a stroke!” but then Google will tell you otherwise.

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